Horrible week

This past week was absolutely terrible... depression-wise, and anxiety-wise. It just seemed like suddenly I couldn't handle any of the responsibilities on my plate... church, my job, being a father, being a husband, other various responsibilities and commitments... it was all too much.

So much so, that on Thursday I was seriously contemplating quitting my job. I had felt like a complete fraud, and that it was just a matter of time before I was found out... it didn't matter what my wife told me, it didn't matter that I'd received excellent feedback on what I've been doing for almost a year... the only thing that mattered was that the job had become too much.

Later that day, something changed, and the clouds of gloom over my life cleared. Suddenly, I began to see everything much more rationally. Did I really come close to QUITTING my job!??! How foolish of me!!

It's crazy how depression can change your outlook on EVERYTHING in life.

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Just by the way of an update... things in my life are much the same since the last you've heard from me. Still lonely. Still mostly friendless. Still occasionally depressed and anxious. Baby's getting older though, and she crawls... AND gets into everything. Absolutely love her though. She's my pal.. my buddy... my confidante. When I have a bad day, I squeeze her extra tight and tell her all my problems.

Conflicted

I am a part of my Elders Quorum's presidency, and recently our President has expressed the desire to help/provide service for the young men in our ward. Our new Stake President as of late has been on a real push to get all of our Young Men out on missions, which is, for all intents and purposes, a good thing.

As the "service" for the Young Mens, we've decided that twice a month, one of the Elders from our Quorum will go into each of the Aaronic Priesthood quorums and share a short experience from our missions, thus further hammering into their heads that they need to serve missions.

I have not served a mission, and my Presidency should know this... but this was all being discussed as if they didn't know I hadn't. They discussed "what if there are good Elders in our quorum who haven't served missions, like brother so-and-so." They decided that brother so-and-so should discuss how the missionaries helped HIM join the church... etc etc. So they are wanting to include those who haven't served missions by having them speak to the Young Men as well.

(By the way, I kept quiet during those whole discussion, not knowing what to make of it all)

Here's where it gets to my conflict. Motivating young men to serve missions is important. But the truth of the matter is not all (and probably not even most) of those young men will actually serve them. And I feel like contributing to the culture and mindset of MISSIONS ARE EVERYTHING... DON'T CONSIDER YOUR FUTURE WITHOUT YOUR MISSION... YOUNG WOMEN WON'T WANT TO MARRY YOU IF YOU'RE NOT A RETURN MISSIONARY... would be very damaging to those who don't serve missions. This is such a personal and real conflict for me. 

On one side, like I said, missions are important, but on the other side, missions are not the BE-ALL END-ALL. I am living proof of that.

Anyway. What are your thoughts?

I don't deserve her

Yesterday was a rough day... depression-wise. Work was exceptionally difficult to face, I was feeling anxious and tense all day... all I wanted to do was hide in my bed. I pigged out on fast food, and wasn't feeling up to going to Group (which I'd already been missing for weeks).

Then LW comes home, and gives me the perfect amount of affection, understanding, and tough love. She didn't try to give me lectures, or force me to do anything. She gave me attention when I needed it, and space when I needed it. But also, she asked things of me. She made sure to give me the opportunity to get on my feet and be semi-productive... which really helped.

I'm so grateful for the woman I married. For who she is and all she does for me.

Punch in the Gut

Do you ever have those moments when life seems to be going alright... when all of a sudden you hear something, see something, or read something that totally punches you in the gut?

Well I do. In fact, I just did earlier today. 

These moments happen to me a lot. Moments when you realize that you aren't as important as you thought. Moments when you discover friends aren't as loyal as they put on. Moments where you suddenly feel insignificant. Moments where the Green Monster appears out of no where. Moments where the reality of your lonely situation is slapped across your face.

"Oh great..." you mutter. "This is one of those posts where LJ complains about how lonely he is... and about how he has no friends... NEXT!"

I can understand your annoyance as to the number of posts like these I put out there... but to be honest, I have no other outlet. No one in my "real life" cares enough to hear me complain about this... I can't turn to LW, because she will just be hearing "you are not enough for me," when this is something entirely different. So, I resort to this trusty blog to unload all my troubles.

Anyway, the recent punch to the gut has caused me to take a few steps back and examine both my online friendships and my interactions with friends and potential friends in my "real life." Am I doing enough to pursue and enrich these online friendships? Am I doing enough to pursue friendships in my "real life?" 

All I know is, constantly seeing and reading about how people I wish could be friends with (both online and in real life) are all having such fun together... without me... stings. Stings like someone (you guessed it) just punched me in the gut.

My Lucky History (Part 10)

Previously...

• After putting my papers in, I was told I would not be able to serve
• I moved to Provo where, after a few months, things really turned around for me
• In my new ward, I felt important. loved. useful.
• Shortly thereafter, I started an amazing yet stressful relationship with a special lady-friend in my ward

We met in August. We had our first date in September. We held hands and cuddled for the first time in January. In regular OSA relationships, all of this progression could have occurred in the matter of hours. Not for us though.

The weeks and months progressed. Sometimes I was into her, sometimes the pressure and anxiety was too much to handle... and she could totally tell something was up.

Valentine's Day came, and my roommates and I planned a massive group date, where I asked New Girl to join me. My roommates completely expected me to make some sort of move on the doorstep when dropping her off... the pressure made that part of the evening uncomfortable and cheap.

My Birthday was in April, and New Girl planned an amazingly epic day for me. She had put together a treasure hunt, arranged for an easter bunny to sing happy birthday to me, and helped throw my party that night. 

Yet, I was still going back and forth about everything. On one hand, I loved spending time with her, and how she made me feel. On the other, anxiety and depression were mounting. I came to the decision in April that I would tell her about my struggles with SSA, but it would have to be put off until AFTER Finals.

The end of finals, happened to coincide with her Birthday. I wrote out a 3 page letter (that to this day, I still pull out and read), telling her about my struggles.

Writing it was one thing, but giving it to her would be something entirely different...

TO BE CONTINUED

Back in the comfort of home

For the last 7 nights, LW and have been staying in a hotel, while the family that came to visit, have been staying in our home. Honestly, I feel like the loss of my room, my bed, my sanctuary, contributed to my near-breakdown last week. (My last 2 blog posts were submitted on my iPhone... which would explain the number of GLARING errors and typos).

Today, we return to our home, to our room, to our bed. It feels good. Now, I just gotta find my laptop charger, and my wallet... hmm.....